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Just saw this on another forum. I used to have this on my fridge a long time ago. It is sooooooo true. enjoy!


Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
For years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
 

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Gene
Thanks I have read that in the past and on re-reading it
I am crying from laughing so hard so I in return will give you this.

How to Give a Cat and Dog a Pill
(A 6, V 2, D 1)






How to Give a Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little monster's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How to Give a Dog a Pill


Wrap it in bacon
 

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OMG ... Gene and Sue

Tears ROLLING down checks. Supressing laughter makes co-workers think I nuts. Both are being sent to cat and dog owners alike.

THANK YOU for the Thursday morning laughs!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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Oh how great! I am laughing...and I have seen these before but they are just as funny the second time, even more so!
Thanks! Good idea, printing them out!
 

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Never saw either one, but you can bet your sweet bippie that they both just got sent all over the country!!! Bwahahahahaha....they're great!!! :D

___________________________________
Kathie,Raleigh & Molly! :D :twisted: :?
 

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BWAHAHAHAHAHA.....you're right Mindi..I AM showing my age! :oops: :oops: hahahahahaha...thanks Gene.....I used to LOVE Saturday nite live in those days! BTW....WHAT's a Bippie??? :shock:

______________________________________
Kathie,Raleigh & Molly! :D :twisted: :?
 

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Discussion Starter #13
In a google search, I came up with.....

: : BIPPY - A jocular euphemism for ass, as in "bet your (sweet) bippy) by Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, an NBC-TV comedy series. It was discussed, this reference tells us, in "Comments on Ety.", in Jan. 1982, but none of the discussion is included. From "Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Volume 1, A-G" by J.E. Lighter, Random House, New York, 1994.
 

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Thanks Gene! Guess I spelled it wrong too! :oops: Oh well...it's gettin late!!!
Hope Miko is still on the mend! :D

_____________________________
Kathie,Raleigh & Molly! :D :twisted: :?
 

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hahahahaa i still remember laugh in......and Saturday night was the best in the 1970's!!!

Tiny Tim...tip toe thru the tulips :roll:
 

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Touche' Gene...Touche'! Hahahahahaha



_______________________________________
Kathie,Raleigh & Molly! :D :twisted: :?
 

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Laugh-in was one of my favorites and Edith Ann was hysterical. In fact I think I liked all the Lily Thomlin characters the best. "One ringy-dingy... Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" The Farkle family and joke wall were also a favorites of mine.

Does anyone else remember Love American Style?
 

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come on GENE you're on a roll.........keep em coming
 
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